love and marriage

Matt Damon ( the actor, in case you knuckleheads are going to be all pretencious and act like you don't know who that is) recently said something like this "I don't believe marriage is natural..I think it's hard for humans..I think it's unrealistic to be with someone for that long..." Some tabs thought this alluded to some impending divorce from his wife and new children, but closer sources say they're just fine - and whose to say his wife doesn't agree- Cuz I Do!

Look, marriage has had a long history (of modern man) that upheld a strong child centered household (gotta teach those kids how to pick potatoes, fish, hunt, gather, reproduce when of age in order to further the family tree...). It's good for that, and useful for many religions - not picking on Christianity but including modern religions like it, and it, that support a moral compass that revolves around a long term, committed relationship between a couple capable of reproducing (male/female). Some of this was in order to breed more Christians/Muslims/ etc etc..not being picky but saying it furthered causes and beliefs also. So- all was good for mankind, and even having a few wives was ok (ahem- Mormons) as long as there was a marriage bond.

Marriage, as Oscar Wilde put it- kills romance. We all know this- married people joke about it and single people keep that little flame of info alive every time they think they might pop the question. The problem isn't that we don't know that romantic or erotic love comes and goes in waves, but rather how to deal with it actually happening. How to deal with the expectations we put on others, the promises we keep track of, the spiritual connectiveness that we may feel has fled the building.

I don't put all my stones in the basket that physically, we are incapable of monogamy. I think most of us could do that, without trying or even thinking about it, even in this modern world of internet porn, texting etc. You can always turn those machines off. However, the heart and brain are always on. Those are the machines that need attention. I believe marriage is not hard because of the vague threat that you may be sleeping with the same person for 40 years (oh- how I hope!) but rather that we stop protecting our spouses and start projecting our disappointments onto them. It's so easy to do. To get annoyed, irritated or frustrated because person A put their life's dream on hold so person B could get their perfect job. Or- person B is annoyed that person A always leaves their stuff all over the place, and has a better car.

It's always the small stuff that can ruin a marriage, and it doesn't need to. Why do friendships like the ones i have hold up over 20 years? Because I accept who they are- yes, i get upset at times at other's percieved flaws- perhaps their callousness, perhaps their overdramatic lives, perhaps their i.q. is so low i can't even relate anymore (jk!).But with spouses, after that big fancy wedding some people have, no wonder they get disappointed. Who can live up to someone else's standards? Who knows how to properly fold the towels, how many times to let the cat out, how to wash dishes, how to mow the yard? Most of these things we only learn from our own parents, and that's enough drama for one therapist!!

Lesson learned or maybe to consider- love is not a goal, expectation or plateau. It is. It is in many different forms, any given day. It may seem like hate sometimes. Really. I don't think this is bad, it just is showing you what love is when not attended to.

Love, JLM