Inspiration, the real kind

From "The God Memorandum" by Og Mandino, 1975. This book I have now, I borrowed from my Mamaw and Papaw McMullen and will return to them this weekend at our McMullen annual reunion. It gave me strength while Phillip was at an Air Force Base during 9/11, and is one of the few Christian based books I have ever really taken seriously, that touched me. I don't like "agenda" based self help books, but this book, still in it's small hardcover glory (hard to find these days) has a complexity to it that is underneath it's "positive" self help topic heading. If you can ever find it, read it. If you are not a Christian, it may open your mind to the possibility that all "Christian" books are not about changing you. It is only good advice, and very very inspiring.


"Your potential is unlimited. Who else, among my creatures, has conquered gravity, has pierced the heavens, has conquered disease and pestilence and drought?..Never settle for the crumbs of life. Never hide your talents, from this day hence!
Remember this child who says " when I am a big boy" but what is that? And then grown up, he says" When I am wed." But to be wed, what is that, after all? Then...."when I retire"....Enjoy this day, today and tomorrow, tomorrow.
You have performed the greatest miracle in the world.
You have returned from the living death.
You will feel self-pity no more and each new day will be a challenge and a joy.
You have been born, again, but just as before- you can choose failure, or happiness. The choice is yours. I can only watch...
Count your blessings.
Proclaim your rarity.
Go another mile.
Use wisely your power of choice.
Do all these with love. love for others and love for me. Wipe away your tears, reach out, grasp my hand, and stand straight.
Let me cut the cloths that have bound you.
This day you have been notified.
You are the greatest miracle in the world."

now- that is some strong stuff. I didn't write it, but every few years, or months take the time to read this book. It contrasts greatly with my beloved Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Salinger, even Cather, Millay, Kate Chopin, and other great modern women writers. It's so positive, so heart wrenching- only if you let it be so..it might even touch you.

Let go the cynical mind for a moment and find something out of your normal circle to read. It can be a big wide door to follow through, without having to close others behind.

The movie "Nine"

It was really hard to finish this movie. I have seen more than a dozen lives musicals and can recite entire soundtracks in my head on long road trips. So, it was with alot of excitement I began the film "Nine" today. By the end, I was alternatively bored to tears, somewhat involved, mildly amused, and appropriately distracted by all the shimmies, cool cat soundtrack, sexy romps and of course, Judi Dench. I was going to write in detail about this movie, because I thought it would be as wonderful as "Chicago" which Rob Marshall also directed.

However, it is not to be. Daniel Day Lewis is a great actor but somewhat too broody for his role as Guido, an Italian director who hits a creative snag while trying to make his ninth highly anticipated film. I Think Antonio Banderas played the role on Broadway and I don't know why he wasn't cast in the film. He has a wink-wink humour to his sexiness, like he knows he's cute but would rather be funny. (Smart men know that humor is the way to a woman's heart, because women do the majority of the world's nasty work and we need to giggle, damnit.) Brooding is done well by Lewis, but we don't get alot of comic relief from him, and this is supposed to have humor in it.

There are alot of beauties thrown in for distraction- Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Marion Cottiard (the best of them all). But the single most fun musical number came from an unexpected source- Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas for "Be Italian". Of course, she played a somewhat tranny- looking hooker but she's got the jawbones and arched eyebrows for it. The song rocks, and is the real one moment in the film that feels boldly "Italian". Everything else is just - spaghetti.

Good things about the Oil Spill

Or as I refer to it- the Big Nasty, the Big Blob, the Black Hole, the Big Problem...

I have tried very hard to come up with a few good things about this issue. There really are none.
So, I have thought of 3 positive things about life right now.

1. Nicholas Cage is still around, making really good and really bad movies. He's a gambler, owes millions for his homes, but still makes me smile when I remember him in "Moonstruck", "Raising Arizona", and "Honeymoon in Vegas" to name a few. I need to see "The Bad Lieutenant", heard that was a great part for him.

2. My hair is growing back. When you have a baby, your hair starts thinning out. It happens fast, and before you know it, you're having nightmares about clumps of hair in you drain (although this is far from the truth). Luckily my hair is thick as a horses so not that noticable. Thankfully, I've got about 3 inches of little baby hairs amongst my much longer hair that remind me that yes- the pregnancy and birth are FINALLY Over.

3. It won't be 95 degrees forever. Around late October, we may get below 80. It is so hot this year. My husband and I have been talking about moving further north after the boys have done some elementary school here, which may be within 2-3 years. Sounds good right about now.

So, there are three good things that make me feel positive. Now, if only I could turn on the computer without seeing the news headlines. We have cut out alot of tv in our home, having limited public channels with some good shows on cooking, gardening and of course Austin City Limits for music. but, the bad news just seeps in....
The Big Blank, The Bitter Pill....

Hope not!

I may repeat this, but there seems to be a small group of smug haters who are seemingly self -righteous about the oil spill. They seem to think that the rest of the country doesn't already know that other alternative energy resources should be more available in the US. They assume they know best for the rest of us. They are always undermining positivity, and are reckless in their literature. So, I have to fight them with silliness... Their ugliness and self- hatred is repulsive and if they want to go live in a land of windmills, fairies and unicorns, they should move to the Netherlands, pick tulips, smoke opium, and dream instead of live in reality.
Bye!

Falling In Love, Differently

Look, there's a whole lot I want to write about this week, but it aint happening tonight. Our week flew by and I want to give some topics justice and not just write like a tired mother of two sons. I will say this - I have recently fallen in love with my family. I know that sounds weird, or maybe a little "what?" But I will say what alot of new parents won't- it takes time, sometimes, to fall in love with your children, and to also accept with open arms your family as a whole unit. I think this is especially true with families like my own- two people madly in love that were married for five years to decide they wanted children. Both were done "on purpose" although we were a bit worried that Nick took about two years to come along. Noone tells you what your relationship with your soul mate will be like after that. How mundane the diaper changes, the feedings, the lost sleep can be. Some new mothers seemed to want this, and embrace it. I never did. I used to feel guilty about that, and now I don't. I dislike almost all the baby stuff, except how huggable they are, how cute, and how small they are. I am holding on to all that, and keep all kinds of mementos and keepsakes of their very young months. That is to say, my OCD is great for motherhood, I mark each week and month and write milestones down in books. However, I don't like how they, for a while, completely changed my longterm relationship with their father. I resented that love notes were exchanged for grocery lists, and how their insistance on my attention left me little time for my own life.

Now, that has changed. I had to make it change. I pulled myself away and made some private carvings of time for me, for my husband and for my own happiness. Noone else can make you happy, I 've always been a true believer in that! Never did I think a male companion would bring me what i want, but never did I think my own children would take away my own self.

Now, little by little, I am back. Hello Me! The more I am my old self, the more I have fallen in love with my sons. I have always loved them- this is different. This is being happy. This is being a whole person again and moving on, all baggage in tow and with strong arms to tow it.

Tesla- and the love that is all around

this is a post about the love of music, again. Tonight- I am playing"Five Man Acoustical Jam" from Tesla. Right now, it happens that "Love Song" is playing, however all their other songs (live) on the album rock, and give me the shivers such as I am in love with music. What a great album- live, with the crowd encouraging the band on, singing along with such un- cynical enthusiasm makes me so at peace. Back then, noone held up cells to take pictures and download video clips, they help up lighters and hoped to remember enough to describe the performance to their friends the next day.

I remember that time- very late 80's (when my parents let me go to see Aerosmith and BonJovi (with Skid Row and White Lion) and then my own experiences with several New Orleans Jazz Festivals and Lallapaloozas and concerts galore. Until I went to the Foo Fighters concert three years ago- I didn't realize how prevelant the cell phones had become. How does a performer feel these days with people recording them instead of just singing along and making lighting up a lighter or passing a twig along for a toke? (not that I ever did that!). How do these long time singers deal with the glaring cheesiness of the instant recorder taking their picture for facebook or their blog instead of looking directly at them and enjoying the moment?
It hurts, this change. But didn't our parents always complain about changes? Yes. We grew up with it- how things were, and how everything sucks now. We defended ourselves, we put up examples of our technology.

However, I would agree that music must be listened too- not recorded for some little cell phone sample for U-Tube. Music is for the moment, it's a life experience. My sons regularly hear us wail away on our keyboard and guitar, and we encourage Nick to play the keys as he likes to do so well. He is a natural for sound and can almost play by ear, like I can. Music is meant for sit-down enjoyment, not 30 second vids on the internet. And definitely better listened to live with lighters aflame, and not cell phones ablaze.

Tilda Swinton's Passion Project

I can't wait to see this film!! Food, sex, love, crying, food! And all in a foreign language! Oohh lala! And, I really love Tilda - she's so unique and beautiful. Click on below link to see the movie trailer...
Tilda Swinton's Passion Project

Good song

"Seven Bridges Road" by the Eagles- if you haven't heard it in a while- do it! Lovely harmonies, and it always reminds me of riding around Southport or West Bay with friends back in the day. Also of good singing with people who played a good guitar riff and who also appreciated their songwriting (however over-played).

I am a Scottish/ British/ possibly French Gypsy

Once again, my husband and I had one of those talks- the "where we would live next" talk. Early in our marraige, this was common due to just trying to follow the better jobs, and for a while- finding them and finding contentment...until about 2 years would by. Midway through our relationship it got annoying (all the packing and moving sets one back by a few paychecks, not to mention friends we would lose seeing on the weekend fun times). Now, after having our children, we are again contemplating the topic, due to an unforseen event- the BIG BLOB in our Gulf. It won't directly affect my husband's career, however, do we want to live in a ghost town? Do we want to be around after the fallout- the daily bad news, the empty condos we can do nothing about, the half empty causeways we already see happening? What about the seafood we will no longer be able to enjoy. This isn't about abandoning in fear some plague, but rather, after we have volunteered and helped out as much as possible- the open road, the open path, the change of scenery once again. It is a possibility, and we have our lists of places to consider. Some are in the Southeast still, some are a little further West. I have always thought it would be nice to live in a more arid, dry, open desert place of cactus, crazy artists, and red and orange vistas with no pines, oaks or tourists directly in your way of a sunset. I loved Utah, I loved Colorado and New Mexico, and even parts of Texas (easily accesible on I-10 in order to see family in the panhandle anytime!) The most interesting place we thought of is New Orleans...ahh.. the weirdness, the music, the food, the eccentrics- a perfect place for me to feel finally - at home. Like Hawk's Nest at night back in the day, but without the local preppy politicians showing up to prove to the rest of us that they are "cool."
Dreaming, dreaming. We love it here. Have for about two years. However, the two year itch is comming on. Maybe, we'll just get an rv, rent out this home, and travel for a while, showing our sons the country and living while we can. I am open to that, for sure.

bad poetry from 1994

sharing an old folder I found of some very bad poetry I wrote...NOT sharing this because I think it's good, but rather because it reminded me so much of who I was back then...and still am. You may wonder who the "you" is in this. I'll never tell! enjoy, and someday- look back on your own past and remember that though we may not dwell in our past, it shapes who we are, and is to be respected.

"Driving"

Look at me
driving along singin'
some hellish top 40 hit
that I hate-
but you know how that is.
Yeah, this is the life
doin' 60
in a little bug of a car
Wish you were here
but you know how that goes-
I'm on my own
a solitary soldier
standing for
freedom, irresponsibility,
cowardness, and pure fun.
When I get back
hope noone knows me
Because it'll be a century
from now-
Gotta get some pure earth
in my hair as it streams behind me
Gotta breath that untainted air
and let it cleanse my crazy soul
Wish you were here,
The only iota of anything
I will ever dream about
at night-
Oh, I hope it's out in the desert
or on a Western mountain range
where you might be tonight
That I dream of you-
It'll be so nice.

Hemingway. A Name I almost named a son after.

Bullfighting is the only art in which the artist is in danger of death and in which the degree of brilliance in the performance is left only to the artist's honor.

What FL is going to offer in 2 years...

1. Cow tipping in Ocala, FL. Where else can you still find the highest concentration of nationally sold beef, get weird, and tip them while they sleep. From ATL, it's worth the 6 hour drive. Ads could read "Cow tipping, FL- where else?"

2. Drive through the dusty ghost towns and meander among empty restaurants, homes and shrimp boats. Ads could read "Why go Out West? Explore our unique extinct fishing villages and huge castles in the sky!"

3. Explore grand ole' I-75. Instead of nostalgic rememberances of old Stuckey's and citrus stands, you can tour entire subdivisions and take photos of million dollar overpasses to nowhere.

4. Citrus- the trees will live, but no-one will be there to harvest it. Get your buckets and scavenge the wasteland for kumquats, tangerines, grapefruit and tangelos. All you can eat. Even in our own backyard.

5. Frozen fish at Sam's club or Costco that is from the Pacific or Northeastern Atlantic. Clammy, white, gummy, and has no salt meaty goodness of mackeral, grouper, or snapper.

6. A vast wasteland from Jacksonville and Pensacola to about north of Miami. They'll thrive because of drug money and cruises that take people so far out they forget.

7. Lots of very cheap real estate. You thought it was good the past five years, just wait, sucker.

8. Oil. Black gold, Texas tea.

School's out for SUMMER

For the first time in my adult life, I picked my kid up from his last day at school. Fresh from his four months in a pre-k programs for student's with special needs (Nick has ocular albinism) he made friends, did art, played in p.e. and when I picked him up was covered in cupcakes, bananas and pizza. His teacher and I talked as the other parents said their goodbyes and we exchanged phone numbers for future playdates. It was weird. I am not used to being a parent, and have just decided that I may never be. As long as my children are good hearted with brains, compassion and common sense, I don't doubt my parenting. I only wonder how I got here!

How strange to meet the Principal, the overly tanned energetic PE coach, the big Italian who runs the cafeteria where I prepaid for Nick's breakfast. How familiar are the janitors always running busily around with rolling trash cans, the assistants in admin helping parents take their kids out early, or the sound of the tardy bells ringing as I drove away.

The school even has some of that strange gummy green paint on the outdoor concrete hallways, with one way arrows pointing how the children line up and walk to their classes.

wow. I have alot to write about this week but only enough time to do it each half a day. Hope you are having a good day and are happy with life. It's good to observe and take note, especially how having children makes you feel like you are living parallel lives at times.
Now, if only I could keep my sons from getting cell phones, fast cars and bad women....

Rain drops

We were just outside talking about our weekend and then a typical summer weirdness happened- fat raindrops about 6 inches apart started falling. No visible clouds, no thunder, just big Florida evening sunshine giving our banana, citrus, lantanas and hibiscus some much needed water. We have restrictions here, and can only water once a week- a good thing, and we respect this much needed rule. However, when the skies get dark, I do a happy dance in my head knowing it will help our new yard thrive. I just planted some cat whiskers- some drought tolerant flowering butterfly attracting plants that have, in fact, attracted some butterflies this week. I have noticed alot of stores are starting to offer more drought tolerant flowering items that may not have been as popular in Florida before the past few years, and they seem to come from Texas. Anyway, it's nice to feel rain, however far apart it is, and know that our new plants are getting some love.
How are you? Was your weekend good? Were your thoughts, like my own, filled with an uneasy dread about the oil spill situation? For the past weeks my anxiety has grown, but I try to find ways to help in any way possible.
What are your favorite memories of the panhandle area? of New Orleans, of beautiful Biloxi and the ever hidden but treasured Perdido Key?
Do you remember when Back Beach Road was two-laned and the road to LA was one bumpy trip after another as each state's version of highway became more and more like a western pioneer trail? Hold onto those thoughts, and send your well wishes to those who are losing their Gulf- oriented lifestyles and jobs.
We have already planned a trip to New Orleans for January (perhaps right on my birthday). I would love nothing better to revisit our "other" backporch and give them any monetary support we can.
As the Rebirth Brass Band's song says "Do watch you wanna!" I am ready for some Cajun music and sounds of the old south.

All this said, sleep well, friends. Take time to take care of yourself, and therefore be able to take care of others. Every few days it seems, I have to remind myself of this.
Like the fat raindrops outside, little reminders that life moves on, good with the bad. Always changing, always giving when we are there to notice.

Walking in Memphis is playing on my PC right now

and that should mean everything's ok. But it's not.Let's face it. The next few years are really going to suck it big time. I dont care to tip-toe around it, as my friends know I've never done. There is no political statement to make right now, although there's alot more to come about that- but try to find a way to help our beloved Gulf Coast.

I had a dream about oil three nights ago and woke at 3 am and never went back to sleep. My whole life, as has many of yours, has been spent on the Gulf Coast, and I'm not talking about the cute expensive trips to Destin we've all made but our childhoods, our youth, our trips to New Orleans so many times and on I-10 up there in the great wilderness of the panhandle. It's very frustrating for us all, like a funeral march that is ever so slow and painfully getting worse with no end.
Try to find a way to help- donate money, time, vehicles, resources and get ready for it to affect your future. We have already donated but are ready to do more. Much more....there is enough blame to pass around among the federal government and it's relationship to oil. I don't care about how many permits Obama allowed before this happened- just do something! Take action, BE BOLD. Don't wait around for opinion polls and just TALK TALK TALK. We've heard enough of that the past two years. DO something. Isn't that what leadership is about.
Sigh.
I'm still listening to Marc Cohn and now "Rhapsody in Blue" by Gershwin is starting up. Thank you for good music to help ease the mind.

Tom Wolfe and some of his greatness

"In general, the Radically Chic made a strategic withdrawal, denouncing the "witchhunt" of the press as they went. There was brief talk of a whole series of parties for the (Black) Panthers in and around New York, by way of showing the world that socialites and culturati were ready to stand up and be counted in defense of what the Panthers, and, for that matter, the Bernsteins, stood for. But it never happened. In fact, if the socialites already in line for Panther parties had gone ahead and given them in clear defiance of the opening round of attacks on the Panthers and the Bernsteins, they might well have struck an extraodinary counterblow in behalf of the Movement. This is, after all, a period of great confusion among culturati and liberal intellectuals generally, and one in which a decisive display of conviction and self-confidence can be overwhelming. But for the Radically Chic to have fought back in this way would have been a violation of their own innermost convictions. Radical Chic, after all, is only radical in style. In it's heart it is a part of Society and its traditions. Politics, like Rock, Pop, and Camp, has it uses, but to put one's whole status on the line for nostalgie de la boue in any of its forms would be unprincipled. "
From "Radical Chic and Mau-Mauing the Flak Catchers" - Tom Wolfe, 1970 . Also the brilliant writer of "The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake streamline Baby" (1965) and "The Electric Kool-Aid Test" (1968)

A great short "story" compilation, if a bit surreal at times- even Barbara Walters, the esteemed journalist is mentioned in these hip NY parties. Very fun, very informative, and very true.

please read article listed below- click "goodbye to Redneck Riviera"

Goodbye to the Redneck Riviera

Goodbye to the Redneck Riviera

BP...what is there to say

I am all for boycotting an irresponsible business and voting with my money. The problem with the BP oil spill is that their products are in everything we use..incluiding probably this keypad and about a thousand other items in my house right now. Also, the barrels of oil gushing out were not all bound for our own country's uses, but were globally available for sale and may have ended up in China, India or Belgium for all we know. Furthermore, BP was leasing the rig from Transocean who put out a statement right about the rig blew up and the workers were killed taking full responsibility for it by apologizing to the families. So- aren't they to blame for the any failure of safety procedures and shut-off valves? Or, is that like blaming someone who owns a house for the poor yard maintenance by a renter of that home? The situation is convoluted and getting more so by the minute. The president should have taken more devisive action about 5 days into the whole thing...after BP started wringing it's hand and lying directly to tv crews. Leadership is still flailing around like a two headed fish on land and noone wants to say "Hi! I will take care of this, or at least lay out a plan". And no one, it seems, has the courage to tell BP their time of "fixing the problem" is over.

PLUG THE DAMN HOLE (Pres. Obama said weeks ago). He's right. He should allow local parrish leaders and environmental groups come in to help and tell BP to lay off. This is not a science fair, this is real life.