Falling In Love, Differently

Look, there's a whole lot I want to write about this week, but it aint happening tonight. Our week flew by and I want to give some topics justice and not just write like a tired mother of two sons. I will say this - I have recently fallen in love with my family. I know that sounds weird, or maybe a little "what?" But I will say what alot of new parents won't- it takes time, sometimes, to fall in love with your children, and to also accept with open arms your family as a whole unit. I think this is especially true with families like my own- two people madly in love that were married for five years to decide they wanted children. Both were done "on purpose" although we were a bit worried that Nick took about two years to come along. Noone tells you what your relationship with your soul mate will be like after that. How mundane the diaper changes, the feedings, the lost sleep can be. Some new mothers seemed to want this, and embrace it. I never did. I used to feel guilty about that, and now I don't. I dislike almost all the baby stuff, except how huggable they are, how cute, and how small they are. I am holding on to all that, and keep all kinds of mementos and keepsakes of their very young months. That is to say, my OCD is great for motherhood, I mark each week and month and write milestones down in books. However, I don't like how they, for a while, completely changed my longterm relationship with their father. I resented that love notes were exchanged for grocery lists, and how their insistance on my attention left me little time for my own life.

Now, that has changed. I had to make it change. I pulled myself away and made some private carvings of time for me, for my husband and for my own happiness. Noone else can make you happy, I 've always been a true believer in that! Never did I think a male companion would bring me what i want, but never did I think my own children would take away my own self.

Now, little by little, I am back. Hello Me! The more I am my old self, the more I have fallen in love with my sons. I have always loved them- this is different. This is being happy. This is being a whole person again and moving on, all baggage in tow and with strong arms to tow it.