In a time far far away I promised to do some fun movie reviews. not that anyone cares about my opinion but I always enjoy reading the "critics" reviews such as Rex Reed's in the Chicago Sun Tribune, and others. Reality is, thank God, that most people don't go see a flick because someone told them to.
On that note, I am going to honor the high art of slamming films with this review of "Red Riding Hood" directed by Catherine Hardwick (director of the first woeful Twilight movie who got slammed pretty bad by fans and critics alike). That should have been my first indicator. Keep in mind, I keep our netflix choices on a constant workout- so I do occasionally pick what I call the-
"I remember this coming out last year and thought it might be funny/good/interesting" choice. Sometimes these work out, sometimes they do not.
This movie I am picking on first because it was THAT BAD> and in order to properly address the positive side of my inner film critic, I will offer movie reviews of films I consider to be MUST SEEs very soon. On with the bad...because bad is so VERY VERY FUN...
Red Riding Hood (2011) starring some waifley big eyed long haired elfin child and a bunch of men with bad wigs was really really bad. I strongly suggest instead of seeing this movie, you snort a can of mustard drenched sardines up your nose and then call it a day.
Why did I finish the movie? Why did my husband and I keep waiting for it to get better? Because we expected neato fantasy creatures out of the dark spooky woods ala Peter Jackson or Tim Burton styles. This was not that movie. Do not waste your time ever seeing this movie or for that matter whatever else that lady has directed ( i haven't so can't give any recommendations on that). You would be better off plucking your eyelashes out one by one to be beat of "Carmen" while driving backwards on a jet ski in Mexican territory than watching Red Riding Hood.
The plot centers around a girl, some creepy men, a campy grandmother, and takes place almost entirely in a single set that LOOKS like a studio stage. (it is, but can't we at least film something outdoors that is supposedly mostly ALL outdoors?) the snow looked fake, and the lighting was similar to what I see on "The Young and the Restless" (I love Y&R as you know...but their budget is airtight and based on Proctor and Gamble ads and a movie should at least not be filmed with lights attached to tall fake trees).
In fact, I'd rather watch Victor Newman the fictional tyrant on Y&R for 24 hours straight than ever see one minute of this horrible film again. Moreover, we'd all be better off in a Siberian prison with nothing but photos of Vladmir Putin shirtless and proudly holding his slaughtered game up for show to keep us alive than watch this movie again.
Just to say, don't waste your time, precious. You're better off starving on a mesa with nothing but "Young Guns" reruns, no water in sight and a tiny bit of peyote than you would be ever seeing this terrible, evil, waste of celluloid.
Have a nice day, I feel better already.
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