Beware the Placehookers

Now that officially Facebook is starting to wear out it's welcome with users (according to ultra-hip predictors of this type of thing, usually friends of startup CEO's who are really just trying to get us to pay attention to other new trends that their startup CEO friends are creating..), it's time to have some fun with Facebook. Truly, Facebook is nothing without its users, to let's have fun with Facebook users. I am one, so I'm included, and will mock myself too. Let's begin:

Facebook Furbombers: These are your FB friends (aka "fbf") who during the weee hours of twilight push about a zillion pictures of maimed, dying, needy, big droopy eyed, pleading, sweet looking animals that need adoption through the fb world for all their friends to see. So, when you finally make yourself a cup of joe or hot tea or Red Bull early in the morning, you turn on your FB and are smacked with dozens of images of these sad images to make you feel guilted in adopting or otherwise enraged with outrage (FB is great for outraged people). These friends mean well of course, it's their platform for showing us what they care deeply about. Sometimes, one person's midnight crusade becomes another person's morning image of total bad reality.

Flirtbookers: Ohhh, the flirting that goes on in Facebook. Across thousands of miles, new and old friends, send zany messages that are meant to delight, tease, anger, depress or perhaps contain a little nugget to stroke your ego. Ohhhh, the ego. Your deadly little devil friend. Every time that old boyfriend "likes" something you say doesn't mean he's dreaming about you. However, from what I can sense, there's alot of mutual admiration going on and some serious emotional relationships built all the time. Some stay in a comfort zone of trust- like "hey, we might have gone out before, and I know you actually are very smart and attractive and charismatic, but we both seem to know its all good now, and we can communicate, even tease, without it ever going anywhere.." But sometimes, after the fbfs have had a martini or two, there's some serious sexy poems sent out to the interwebs, just knowing they have a secret place to land, and usually not on the one they sleep with every night. You can tell...just pay attention. It's their little flirtbook land, and they "like" it that way! Back off.

Placebookers: these are the fbfs that constantly need you to know every where they are checking in. All the time, not just for that cool trip to Nepal they may never get to do again, or some great restaurant they are hooked on..but the ones who let you know that they are at the local co-op getting produce, the CVS for meds, Publix for the buy one get one deals, the playground with their kids, and home at 4 pm. Some would probably "check in" at their bathrooms but some innate sense of FB decorum holds them back. Placebookers - now you know, where they are...all the time.

Facehookers: yes, i'm just making this up as I go along cats and dogs...Facehookers are the friends who love to post pictures of themselves. But we're not talking just any pictures. I mean some seriously seXXXy pictures that don't have full nudity but that would definitely send their teenage sons to therapy if they ever saw them (it's not a matter of if anymore, but when..so be careful). These are the friends who are great looking, and they KNOW IT. And they want you to know it too. And all their 600 friends. The tan, the chest, the nails, the hair, it's all perfect and that goes for the menfolk too. Facehookers- living la Vida Loco on the Facebook stage.

Ok- i have to take care of some family business time has flown...oh look I didn't even get to pick on myself. Imagine that. Ok - I'm sometimes a do-gooder on FB and probably make people roll their eyes, posting stuff that interests me, posting pics of my family, love love love crass adult humor, get annoyed with those that are too sensitive about every little issue (the world has too many issues and that stinks), I love to tease my FB friends who know my sense of humor and whom I trust to "get" what I write, I like to keep in touch my old girlfriends, learn from people, ask advice, and post annoying political stuff I find funny, because politics is damn funny, every year it gets better and people get more uptight. But, that's a tangent. this isn't about tangents but something very serious. Facebook. Reach out and touch someone now, because FB may be an embarrassing trend in our rearview mirror in a few years, and those shots of your tight chest will be there...waiting for the perfect moment to strike back.