Murder and Alphabet Soup - How to Write a Network Crime Drama

From what I've gathered from the previous long winter months, picking up a forensic network show every now and then (Law and Order, CSI, Criminal Minds, Numbers, Bones, etc). I have stopped watching them for now, since Law and Order was only good when Lenny was alive, and the other stuff became a little too...how should I say - predictable??

Anyway, get yourself a Hollywood agent ala Ari Gold and turn in some scripts with stories that include the following items, and we'll hear from you two Emmy's and two wives down the road, ok? Good Luck!

1. Hire a cast of about 4-5 main characters, with one or more being minor characters that get about 10 minutes worth of camera time.

2. Make sure those minor characters have some major unique or quirky quality so that the story can highlight (at least twice an episode) how special, unique, or talented the entire mystery solving department is.

3. Always have one token tall quirky "smart" character (a younger male) who is either mildly austistic, slightly brilliant, can read minds, read Braille or decode criminal's highly complicated clues. This character is usually a sidekick to the "main guy" (see next item)

4. You must include the "main guy" - it's usually NOT a woman, but a classically good looking serious looking, unsmiling, unruffled actor who can stare off into windows during any scene, remembering a violent episode from his own past that a current case is bringing up (usually a wife or child that a bad guy did something bad too, thus "motivating" him to this career path).

He is the GO TO person, and barks orders or growls depending on the case. He can't drink or smoke because this is NETWORK TV (not 1985) and the kids might be up, so he holds it all inside ready to explode at any given end of season episode.

5. Alot of "woman parts" usually go to the very quirky, usually punked out sidekicks who- although very important to solving the cases - get stuck behind 10 computer screens decoding webbernaut stuff because THEY ARE SUPER SMART and know WAY more than you or I. These women are usually purposefully "uncool" (like the ubertrendy yet trying not to be trendy goth kids in school) and although attractive, are still stuck in stereotyped roles, found in almost all these shows.

6. Another "woman part" goes to the super tall, leggy, unsmiling and uncompromising lawyer/p.i. woman who may get compromised if she has that glass of wine at the cop bar, which may happen once a season to get the story lines from getting boring. This lady can crack the you know whats, and gets the job done, but let it be known- when a woman messes up on these shows, she gets yelled at pronto by some superior, who of course, is a stately but serious older white man.

(Law and Order!! ) Anyway, another good tip for writing your script.

7. The roles for minorities...The best advice I can give to you is from what I have seen- make sure you hire at least one good looking black person to be a main character (never THE main character) so you don't get blamed for being a racist. If you find you are a racist, in that case call Mel Gibson in Malibu and don't look for Spielberg or Geffen to call you. You Have to include a black person or a Hispanic (Bones, Criminal Minds...ahem). Being serious for one moment....there are some good roles out there, for example in Bones, the superior to "Bones' is a very likable, smart black woman, and the writers don't make the audience feel dumb by making references to race. However, some of these other shows have writers who think they have to spell racial equality out for us...US being the dumb dumb U.S. tv watching population. (as usual, race is hard to talk about without messing up what you are trying to say- hope you get it).

8. The BAD GUY- ok this one very easy. The most ugly member of the entire episode is the bad guy or gal. If not really repulsive, they may be strikingly good looking and smart but have a weird trait- like a droopy eye, a tick, a shuffle or bad shoes...look for it, it's true. The bad guy pops up about 3/4 the way through the episode after about 10 red herrings are thrown at you like sand bags. Those are not hard to miss....neither will it be hard for you to write!!

PS- don't forget ALL the labs are SUPER clean, get tons of Windex for your studio set. And gets tons of neon (CSI) and lots of generic white lab coats. And make sure all the women have super manicures, grouper lips, and arched eyebrows. All these ingredients will help make you the next Mr. Wolf. (RIP old Law and Order!)